calliopeiamuse

11:04 pm: Jesus H. Christ....

I know I only ever come on here to whine, but I really need a good whine. I can't talk about it to anyone in person because I feel like if I talk about it, it becomes more real.

Against my will, I am experiencing some of the most intense jealousy of my life. I have met possible the most perfect guy on the face of the planet and my suitmate is flirting with him. The bizarre part is, I have no right. He has shown no interest beyond friendship with me; I met him less than a week ago. And my suitmate is a genuinely nice person who deserves a guy like him.

But right now I want to claw her eyes out.

I'm a terrible person.

Ugh! Unrequited affection is so STUPID and I SWORE that I wasn't going to do it ever again. I told myself I wouldn't let this happen and it happened anyway. Do you know how impotent that makes me feel?

His name is David.

He is the cutest geek I've ever met. He's tall, handsome, funny, loves movies and loves discussing them at length, is smart, Christian, uninterested in drugs and alcohol, an avid reader, and most of all he's nice. In short, perfect. Except -

he's not interested in me.


And I can't help wondering....

What if this is the guy I was supposed to meet and fall in love with, but I was supposed to be skinny right now? What if the only reason this boy is flirting with my suitmate and not me right now is that I haven't gotten my act together and made myself beautiful? What if I'm the only person standing between myself and happiness?

I don't want to claw her eyes out. I want to claw my eyes out. So I can stop looking at him, thinking about him, picturing the two of them together...

08:54 pm: Wow.

I... haven't been here in forever.


I read through a lot of the archives of this journal, this journal that I'd forgotten even existed. I thought I was Oh So Clever back then, but then I suppose I still do. It's strange; I didn't think I'd changed this much since junior year, but the proof is in the posting. I don't know why or how I've matured, but somehow I have.

Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I mean, I'm less of a hyperactive clown, but I think I might have lost a little imagination. I may have lost a little spice and verve. On a side note, I also lost my overbite! Hooray for never having braces ever again. I wear my retainers every religiously, terrified that if I neglect them my teeth will spring back into the horror that was my mouth.

Man, high school was simultaneously everything I thought it would be and nothing that I hoped. I am ashamed to admit that, alas, I am still boyfriendless. You may not realize that I have reached the advanced age of Eighteen and One Half, and therefore the best parts of my life have already passed me by. I may as well take my vows now and join a convent; I'm past my prime.


If anybody reads this, throw me a comment. I want to see if anyone else is still posting.

11:44 pm: Hmmmm.
I haven't posted in awhile.



I was just thinking recently about something I have dubbed "PKI", which stands for "pre-kiss intimacy". It's that moment in the movie where the romantically involved characters are almost nose to nose, and they suddenly notice how close they are, and the realize that they're about to kiss. You can see it in their eyes. They both know that this is the closest they've ever been to the other, both physically and emotionally, and the moment is filled with tension as you wait for them to kiss.

The tension of the PKI is either resolved with a kiss or broken by an interruptions. Interruptions are popular because A) they end the tension only temporarily - you're still frustrated by the non-kiss and you wish they would hurry up and make out already and B) they add humor to the seriousness of the PKI. PKI is not found as often in books because it's so hard to describe with words.

It all makes me wonder - do people experience PKI in real life? Or is it all just movie magic? Is there really a moment when you look up at someone and you just know? I've had moments when I look up at someone and I don't know what they're thinking, when they give you a funny look and you wonder what it's about.

04:47 pm: I'M GOING TO LONDON!!!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!! I'm leaving for the airport at 5 pm on Monday, but the ten-hour flight doesn't begin until 9. ugh. but who cares!!! ENGLAND!!! BRITISH PEOPLE!!! HOT BOYS!!! FUNNY ACCENTS!!! ABBEY ROAD!!! COLORFUL MONEY!!! NICE HOTEL!!! SCONES!!! TEAAAAA!!!!

05:55 pm: Sometimes I have a short patience. Not with people, usually, although that happens too. I have a short patience with life and the world in general. When will I get my due? When will my work be over? I'm in a hurry to finish up everything I've started.

( Unfortunately, I have some time yet to live.... Click here. )

12:54 am: Awake
I'm awake. Doesn't that tell you enough?

10:13 pm: Ah, the wonder of Skateland...
This afternoon, I got my hair cut really cute. At least, I think it's cute. It was almost down to my butt, and now it's just past my shoulders. Then, I went to Skateland.


Yes, this evening I went to Skateland, that magical roller rink of our early years. We ignored the stains, the tacky carpeting, and the strangely fuzzy walls and flocked there for birthdays, parties, any old get together. It was our mall. Today, my dear friends, I have returned to the place where I memorized Spice Girl hits and played Hokey Pokey.

It was full of little kids. This shouldn't be surprising, since I was a little kid when I last went there (sometime in middle school, I think). The music was different - it was today's top 40, not Spice Girls or the "I'm Blue daba dee daba dye" song or that one song that went "We like to party - we like, we like to party". But overall, it was the same. I even got a shaved ice, the kind that always gave me brain freeze and turned my mouth red. I got the brain freeze, but my mouth fared better.

Now, to the important part. When I first came in, I saw a guy who I met once at a party, named Ben. He does not go to my school, so I never see him. A soccer player, so you know the body type: tall, skinny and lanky yet buff, and he's actually pretty cute (though not as cute as Beckham). When I first met him my reaction was to crush on him like a two-ton rock, but he had a girlfriend. Psh. Anyway, we both walked up to the carpeted counter for getting skates and stood next to each other. He saw me, I saw him, and I could see that he recognized me. Without thinking I smiled and said hi. It's lucky that I didn't think, because otherwise I would have talked myself out of it. He smiled in return and initiated conversation! This is a big deal for me. Even when the convo died down into silence, he asked another question and started it up again. Unfortunately, the skates guy eventually interrupted us and asked for my shoes. I got my skates and went on my way, but the rest of the night I couldn't help but think of him and look for him. We were never in close proximity again.

Soooooo now I can't decide how I should feel about it. Should I just mark up another victory for "Hold A Conversation With A Cute Guy And Not Make A Fool Of Oneself", or should I attempt to go after him and seriously crush? I mean, I have his Myspace. I could be naturally and completely justifiably social and talk to him online. Then again, maybe he still has a girlfriend.

What am I saying?? Of COURSE he still has a girlfriend! Why WOULDN'T he have a girlfriend? I mean, he was just being nice to me and now I'm all desperately stalking him. But that's what makes it even sadder; he has been proven to be soooo nice. I LOVE nice guys. Everyone cracks jokes about how you "don't want to be called a nice guy because girls don't go out with nice guys". No, HOT, SKANKY girls don't go out with nice guys, mainly because most of them are bitches. Girls like me (who aren't wanted by the nice guys anyway) would go out with one in a second. With me, looks are a bonus factor. I can live without hotness because heck, to choose guys any other way would be hypocritical.

But he IS cute and he IS nice and he probably IS taken. Oh well. I guess I should just be happy that he recognized me; that in itself is a victory.

08:01 pm: Ever have one of those time where you feel like words can't express everything you want from life? I feel like that.

When I was young, I used to write all the time. Half-finished novels, all along the same tired premises. Most all of my heroines were older than me, prettier than me, and had experiences I could only dream about. I wrote love stories before my first big crush, and I wrote teen stories in seventh grade. Since I'd read many a book on those same subjects, I thought it was okay to regurgitate the same old second hand crap. I didn't realize that I sounded like a little kid with no perspective on life.

Now, I'm at that magical age that all my heroines used to be. I've been in high school for two years, and I could write detailed dissertations on the social scene without making any of it up like I used to. Yet, I feel more inept and even more sheltered and naive than I was then. These days, I am aware of my own ignorance, and it cripples me. I can't write any more. Every time I sit down in front of an open Word Processor document I go blank. All of my brilliant plot lines seem tired and plagiarized; all of my descriptions feel stilted and inadequate. Nothing I say can match up to the rolling camera in my mind that captures life.


How can I overcome this? I'm qualified to write about teens, but I don't want to write about teens anymore. The whole point was the mystery, the fantastical allure of those mythical beings with boyfriends and piercings and driver's licenses. I'm sixteen, I've never had a boyfriend, I have a single set of holes in my ears and a permit. The mystery is dead. Now, I have moved on to that next utopian ideal: college kids. Working stiffs. I want to write about them, the adults, the ones who have lived. But I can't. I could probably make up some bullshit that would get me a pat on the back and an A in creative writing, but I wouldn't be able to live with it.

What do I know about anything? I've never had my heart truly broken, I've never lived on my own, I've never had my own child to cradle in my arms. I've never tried to kill myself, I've never taken drugs, I've never gotten drunk, I've never even been to a wild party or a club. I've never broken a bone, I've never failed a class, I've never bought a house or a car, I've never lost someone very close to me. So what have I done?

I've been to the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I've climbed a rock wall even though I'm afraid of heights. I've been terrified, hurt, embarrassed, joyful, proud, apathetic, furious, crushed, jealous, and depressingly miserable (sometimes all in the same day). As for love? I have two best friends who I think I would literally die for, if it came to that. I have a nuclear family of five that I bicker with on a daily basis, and an extended family of forty plus that makes my holidays rock. I have many friends, many friendly acquaintances, and somehow I was elected junior class president.

All in all, I could write a very mediocre novel about platonic relationships. A novel about being "bestest friendz 4evar!!!!!1 <333333 can we go shopping plz lol!" But I don't want to write that; too many others have already done that. I yearn to craft something truly unique, something memorable, something meaningful. A Great American Novel, if you will. Still, I shouldn't wait for the magical moment that inspiration moves me to write my magnum opus. Otherwise, by then I'll have forgotten how to write. Hopefully by that time the internet generation will have grown up and it won't matter. Uppercase will be outlawed and punctuation abolished - spelling optional. As they will say, "if u cant say it w/ emoticons dont say it at allll rofl".



: /

05:59 pm: Soooo... another quarter at Olympic College comes to a close. This is good and bad. It is good because:

1) It will mean no college for a week!
2) I get to start new and exciting classes!
3) I will meet new people and maybe make new friends!

It is bad because:

1) Finals are next week.
2) I will not be able to do anything to boost my grades before they go on my transcript.
3) I was sitting next to a cute guy in History 105.

more on #3 bad thing: I sit next to this guy in History who is cute, nice, and a DRUMMER. Read that again. DRUMMER. I dunno about you, but I think drummers are hot. But whatever. Unfortunately, he's also pretty quiet, so I never got to the actual "being friends" point with him. Acquaintances? yes. Friends? Meh. So, today I decided I would look up his myspace and add him, so maybe we could continue to know each other after the quarter ended. Well, he doesn't have his relationship stats posted, and all of his pictures are only of him, but one of his friends said on the comments "tell your girlfriend to get a myspace". SO HE'S TAKEN. grrr. Every time I finally commit to sticking my neck out to possibly pursue some guy, fate shoots me down. Ugh. I mean, I wasn't even totally crushing on him yet, and already I've been denied.

09:53 pm:

You Give Great Advice

You know what's up when it comes to people and social relationships. And you're advice is golden, even if your friends don't always take it! Just make sure that you take your own advice too!

12:09 pm: So, I haven't posted in awhile. Right now, I should be doing work, but I refuse to. I will not submit to the tyranny! I can't decide whether this post should be emo, or funny. Emo, funny. Emooooooo.... or funnnyyyyyy.....

BOTH!

Once there was a sad sad little girl named Chrissie Criesalot. She cried a lot, mostly because she didn't have a pony and her mom wouldn't let her die her hair black. She told her family many times that she was going to kill herself if she didn't get a new cell phone.

One day, Chrissie was run over by a bus, and then she realized that she didn't want to die - she wanted everyone else to die! So, unbeknownst to Chrissie's parents, she built a bomb in their basement and took it to school. What Chrissie didn't realize, however, was that it was a Friday, aka Bomb Check Day at school.

The SWAT team assigned to the school rifled through Chrissie's backpack. "What's this?" the officer asked suspiciously, holding up the bomb.

"Uh.... a lunchbox?" Crissie replied hesitatingly.

He lifted one eyebrow.

"... full of drugs?" she asked nervously.

A grin split across his face. "Okay then, kiddo, you're all cleared. But don't be bringing that to school on Drug Bust Wednesday, y'hear?"

Chrissie sighed with relief. Finally she could complete her dark mission. Then, at that moment, all of the greenhouse gases and SUV exhaust that had been building up sucked the last molecule of oxygen from the atmosphere. Everyone died.


THE END


See? That was incredibly emo AND stupid AND a little bit funny!

01:49 am: Hmmm... a new year...
It doesn't feel any different...

01:45 am: Christmas comes but once a year... THANK GOD.
Ugh. This is gonna be one of those whiny, emo entries, so if you want to skip it, feel free. My new year's resolution is to stop complaining so much, but it's not 2007 yet, is it? Also, I really hesitated in writing all this (because it's a bit embarrassing to me), but if I don't tell someone all about it I'll scream. Hopefully no one will read it.

( Commence the whining! )

10:53 pm: So... it's been awhile...
According to my livejournal, I haven't posted in 7 weeks. A lot has happened since then. I've gotten over a guy, finished a quarter of college, and performed in a play. Wow.


It's the holiday season, as we all know, and so I feel obligated to become somber and preachy at this point. I think that I'm supposed to spout off about how we should spend time with loved ones, not buying presents, yada yada yada.... but I'm not feeling it. I don't want to preach. I feel curiously unmoved by the garish plastic decorations that grin obscenely from every public gathering place. The trees, the lights, the festive candies all seem out of season. I feel as though Christmas shouldn't be coming yet. I'm not ready for Christmas.

( Ranting ranting ranting, keep those Carries ranting, ranting ranting ranting, rawHIDE! )

PS - Thank you Dan, for sending me a Nudge. I'd forgotten how gratifying it is to type in this thing.

01:00 pm: A bit of my life and then bitch-ranting.
~~~~ EVENTS ~~~~

Okay, yesterday I lost my purse (and found it), and today I took my PSATs. Those to facts are, in fact related.

Yesterday, I was waiting outside my school when my mom came to pick me up. I grabbed my stuff, hopped in the car, and we sped off without looking back. We were fifteen minutes away when I realized I no longer had my purse. Naturally, panic ensued. I had fifteen dollars, my past 5 years in ID cards, my cellphone, and (this sounds shallow) my makeup in my purse. I was totally freaked. Then, after a couple hours of running back and forth, we realized it was no longer in the place where I had left it, or in the nearby vicinity. We assumed it had been stolen, since it had not been turned in. When we got home, my mom realized that I might need my ID card to take my PSATs the next day (you need it for the SATs). Frantically I checked the info sheet, only to find that I only needed my social security number.

"Well," my mom said after dinner, "it's a Godsend that you don't need ID, Carrie. It really is."

If God really cared, I grumbled inwardly, He'd send me my purse.

Less than a minute later, the phone rang. A girl at my school had found my purse, taken it home and looked me up in the phone book. She and her mom drove it to our house immediately. All of my money was there and everything. I gave the girl ten dollars as a reward; it was worth it. I now clutch my purse to me when I walk like it has diamonds in its lining. haha.


You'd think that was a relatively brief description of an event that took over five hours, right? It was basically pertinent facts, with the brief God bit in the middle because it was so cool. Well, today at lunch I tried to tell an EVEN BRIEFER version of the story, and it wasn't quick enough.

( Bitch Rant Section )

07:47 pm: I'm gonna whip you like a rented mule.
I'm thinking about my situation in the luuuuuv department. The other day, my friend Tawny said I should stick my neck out a little once in awhile. I responded that this is how people get decapitated.
Is she right? I mean, worst case scenario is that I get shot down, completely mortified, and can never show my face at school again. Oh look, I'm right. I shouldn't stick my neck out because my success rate is about 0%.

My two methods in the past have been A) keeping my feelings a secret until they go away and B) asking someone to ask ABOUT me, not FOR me. So far, the first method has worked 100% of the time, while the second method has caused some amount of awkwardness.

I think I'm gonna stick to my old ways. I'm only gonna get burned otherwise.

09:53 pm: I am on craaaaaaaaaaack... but not really





I wish I was, though.


So I have some conflicting emotions right now. Two, to be specific. The first is: Happiness, surprisingly. Lately, I've been amazingly complacent and satisfied with my life. I've realized that I'm at a really good place in the world, and things are rolling my way. I have AWESOME friends, AWESOME stuff and AWESOME opportunities. I am in high school and LOVING IT! I'm having fun just being who I am and I wish things could stay like this forever.

The second is: longing. Not just any longing. I want someone special in my life, someone I can cuddle and hold and go out with, someone who has eyes for only me and who likes me just the way I am. I don't want to water down my extroverted personality so that I'm "less intimidating" to boys. I don't want to date someone who feels emasculated by confident girls. I don't want to date someone who wishes that I was someone else.

Everyone keeps telling me and telling me, "oh, boys are just a lot of hassle at your age, so immature blah blah blah." I KNOW. That's why I'm frustrated. I don't want to date someone my age because the boys my age are PUKES. However, I'm stuck in this stupid body of a fifteen year old geek who desperately wishes she were 23. I can't wait until I'm in college.




See what I mean? I'm at odds with myself. I want to be here and there at the same time; grownup and still a kid all at once. I wish adolescence wasn't this difficult!

12:35 am: MY BIRTHDAY
IT WAS PRETTY AWESOME.


yeah.


and, ummmm... here's me! as a sexy princess!





And... er... yeah. awesome birthday. I got to see my TOTALLY AWESOME COUSINS today, which I totally wasn't expecting. yeah. it's 12:30 at night. getting up at 7:00 tomorrow. Carrie = not smart. Carrie = 16. Carrie = going to bed.

11:43 pm: I'm back!! YAY FOR INDOOR PLUMBING AND A LACK OF MOSQUITOS!!

Soooooooooo it's time to spill all about camp. For everyone who doesn't know (which is all of you), I was at Ascend, which is a Catholic youth leadership camp for high schoolers. I left on Friday and came back Tuesday.

( There were boys at camp... )
( And besides that... )

So that's basically the highlights of camp. I have to get to sleep now. See ya soon!!

08:47 pm: Ok, a fun thing I stole from Io. If you ask me to, I'll fill out this little form and:


1. i’ll respond with something random about you

2. i’ll challenge you to try something

3. i’ll pick a color that i associate with you

4. i’ll tell you something i like about you

5. i’ll tell you my first/clearest memory of you

6. i’ll tell you what animal you remind me of

7. i’ll ask you something i’ve always wanted to ask you

8. if i do this for you, you must post this on yours

also, MORE COMICS!!!

( More Comics!!! YAY!! )

Well, that was fun and time-consuming. Now I'm off to finish packing for a five-day overnight camp... so I won't be around for awhile. See you all later!! :D