calliopeiamuse

11:04 pm: Jesus H. Christ....

I know I only ever come on here to whine, but I really need a good whine. I can't talk about it to anyone in person because I feel like if I talk about it, it becomes more real.

Against my will, I am experiencing some of the most intense jealousy of my life. I have met possible the most perfect guy on the face of the planet and my suitmate is flirting with him. The bizarre part is, I have no right. He has shown no interest beyond friendship with me; I met him less than a week ago. And my suitmate is a genuinely nice person who deserves a guy like him.

But right now I want to claw her eyes out.

I'm a terrible person.

Ugh! Unrequited affection is so STUPID and I SWORE that I wasn't going to do it ever again. I told myself I wouldn't let this happen and it happened anyway. Do you know how impotent that makes me feel?

His name is David.

He is the cutest geek I've ever met. He's tall, handsome, funny, loves movies and loves discussing them at length, is smart, Christian, uninterested in drugs and alcohol, an avid reader, and most of all he's nice. In short, perfect. Except -

he's not interested in me.


And I can't help wondering....

What if this is the guy I was supposed to meet and fall in love with, but I was supposed to be skinny right now? What if the only reason this boy is flirting with my suitmate and not me right now is that I haven't gotten my act together and made myself beautiful? What if I'm the only person standing between myself and happiness?

I don't want to claw her eyes out. I want to claw my eyes out. So I can stop looking at him, thinking about him, picturing the two of them together...

08:54 pm: Wow.

I... haven't been here in forever.


I read through a lot of the archives of this journal, this journal that I'd forgotten even existed. I thought I was Oh So Clever back then, but then I suppose I still do. It's strange; I didn't think I'd changed this much since junior year, but the proof is in the posting. I don't know why or how I've matured, but somehow I have.

Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I mean, I'm less of a hyperactive clown, but I think I might have lost a little imagination. I may have lost a little spice and verve. On a side note, I also lost my overbite! Hooray for never having braces ever again. I wear my retainers every religiously, terrified that if I neglect them my teeth will spring back into the horror that was my mouth.

Man, high school was simultaneously everything I thought it would be and nothing that I hoped. I am ashamed to admit that, alas, I am still boyfriendless. You may not realize that I have reached the advanced age of Eighteen and One Half, and therefore the best parts of my life have already passed me by. I may as well take my vows now and join a convent; I'm past my prime.


If anybody reads this, throw me a comment. I want to see if anyone else is still posting.

11:44 pm: Hmmmm.
I haven't posted in awhile.



I was just thinking recently about something I have dubbed "PKI", which stands for "pre-kiss intimacy". It's that moment in the movie where the romantically involved characters are almost nose to nose, and they suddenly notice how close they are, and the realize that they're about to kiss. You can see it in their eyes. They both know that this is the closest they've ever been to the other, both physically and emotionally, and the moment is filled with tension as you wait for them to kiss.

The tension of the PKI is either resolved with a kiss or broken by an interruptions. Interruptions are popular because A) they end the tension only temporarily - you're still frustrated by the non-kiss and you wish they would hurry up and make out already and B) they add humor to the seriousness of the PKI. PKI is not found as often in books because it's so hard to describe with words.

It all makes me wonder - do people experience PKI in real life? Or is it all just movie magic? Is there really a moment when you look up at someone and you just know? I've had moments when I look up at someone and I don't know what they're thinking, when they give you a funny look and you wonder what it's about.

04:47 pm: I'M GOING TO LONDON!!!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!! I'm leaving for the airport at 5 pm on Monday, but the ten-hour flight doesn't begin until 9. ugh. but who cares!!! ENGLAND!!! BRITISH PEOPLE!!! HOT BOYS!!! FUNNY ACCENTS!!! ABBEY ROAD!!! COLORFUL MONEY!!! NICE HOTEL!!! SCONES!!! TEAAAAA!!!!

05:55 pm: Sometimes I have a short patience. Not with people, usually, although that happens too. I have a short patience with life and the world in general. When will I get my due? When will my work be over? I'm in a hurry to finish up everything I've started.

( Unfortunately, I have some time yet to live.... Click here. )

12:54 am: Awake
I'm awake. Doesn't that tell you enough?

10:13 pm: Ah, the wonder of Skateland...
This afternoon, I got my hair cut really cute. At least, I think it's cute. It was almost down to my butt, and now it's just past my shoulders. Then, I went to Skateland.


Yes, this evening I went to Skateland, that magical roller rink of our early years. We ignored the stains, the tacky carpeting, and the strangely fuzzy walls and flocked there for birthdays, parties, any old get together. It was our mall. Today, my dear friends, I have returned to the place where I memorized Spice Girl hits and played Hokey Pokey.

It was full of little kids. This shouldn't be surprising, since I was a little kid when I last went there (sometime in middle school, I think). The music was different - it was today's top 40, not Spice Girls or the "I'm Blue daba dee daba dye" song or that one song that went "We like to party - we like, we like to party". But overall, it was the same. I even got a shaved ice, the kind that always gave me brain freeze and turned my mouth red. I got the brain freeze, but my mouth fared better.

Now, to the important part. When I first came in, I saw a guy who I met once at a party, named Ben. He does not go to my school, so I never see him. A soccer player, so you know the body type: tall, skinny and lanky yet buff, and he's actually pretty cute (though not as cute as Beckham). When I first met him my reaction was to crush on him like a two-ton rock, but he had a girlfriend. Psh. Anyway, we both walked up to the carpeted counter for getting skates and stood next to each other. He saw me, I saw him, and I could see that he recognized me. Without thinking I smiled and said hi. It's lucky that I didn't think, because otherwise I would have talked myself out of it. He smiled in return and initiated conversation! This is a big deal for me. Even when the convo died down into silence, he asked another question and started it up again. Unfortunately, the skates guy eventually interrupted us and asked for my shoes. I got my skates and went on my way, but the rest of the night I couldn't help but think of him and look for him. We were never in close proximity again.

Soooooo now I can't decide how I should feel about it. Should I just mark up another victory for "Hold A Conversation With A Cute Guy And Not Make A Fool Of Oneself", or should I attempt to go after him and seriously crush? I mean, I have his Myspace. I could be naturally and completely justifiably social and talk to him online. Then again, maybe he still has a girlfriend.

What am I saying?? Of COURSE he still has a girlfriend! Why WOULDN'T he have a girlfriend? I mean, he was just being nice to me and now I'm all desperately stalking him. But that's what makes it even sadder; he has been proven to be soooo nice. I LOVE nice guys. Everyone cracks jokes about how you "don't want to be called a nice guy because girls don't go out with nice guys". No, HOT, SKANKY girls don't go out with nice guys, mainly because most of them are bitches. Girls like me (who aren't wanted by the nice guys anyway) would go out with one in a second. With me, looks are a bonus factor. I can live without hotness because heck, to choose guys any other way would be hypocritical.

But he IS cute and he IS nice and he probably IS taken. Oh well. I guess I should just be happy that he recognized me; that in itself is a victory.

08:01 pm: Ever have one of those time where you feel like words can't express everything you want from life? I feel like that.

When I was young, I used to write all the time. Half-finished novels, all along the same tired premises. Most all of my heroines were older than me, prettier than me, and had experiences I could only dream about. I wrote love stories before my first big crush, and I wrote teen stories in seventh grade. Since I'd read many a book on those same subjects, I thought it was okay to regurgitate the same old second hand crap. I didn't realize that I sounded like a little kid with no perspective on life.

Now, I'm at that magical age that all my heroines used to be. I've been in high school for two years, and I could write detailed dissertations on the social scene without making any of it up like I used to. Yet, I feel more inept and even more sheltered and naive than I was then. These days, I am aware of my own ignorance, and it cripples me. I can't write any more. Every time I sit down in front of an open Word Processor document I go blank. All of my brilliant plot lines seem tired and plagiarized; all of my descriptions feel stilted and inadequate. Nothing I say can match up to the rolling camera in my mind that captures life.


How can I overcome this? I'm qualified to write about teens, but I don't want to write about teens anymore. The whole point was the mystery, the fantastical allure of those mythical beings with boyfriends and piercings and driver's licenses. I'm sixteen, I've never had a boyfriend, I have a single set of holes in my ears and a permit. The mystery is dead. Now, I have moved on to that next utopian ideal: college kids. Working stiffs. I want to write about them, the adults, the ones who have lived. But I can't. I could probably make up some bullshit that would get me a pat on the back and an A in creative writing, but I wouldn't be able to live with it.

What do I know about anything? I've never had my heart truly broken, I've never lived on my own, I've never had my own child to cradle in my arms. I've never tried to kill myself, I've never taken drugs, I've never gotten drunk, I've never even been to a wild party or a club. I've never broken a bone, I've never failed a class, I've never bought a house or a car, I've never lost someone very close to me. So what have I done?

I've been to the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I've climbed a rock wall even though I'm afraid of heights. I've been terrified, hurt, embarrassed, joyful, proud, apathetic, furious, crushed, jealous, and depressingly miserable (sometimes all in the same day). As for love? I have two best friends who I think I would literally die for, if it came to that. I have a nuclear family of five that I bicker with on a daily basis, and an extended family of forty plus that makes my holidays rock. I have many friends, many friendly acquaintances, and somehow I was elected junior class president.

All in all, I could write a very mediocre novel about platonic relationships. A novel about being "bestest friendz 4evar!!!!!1 <333333 can we go shopping plz lol!" But I don't want to write that; too many others have already done that. I yearn to craft something truly unique, something memorable, something meaningful. A Great American Novel, if you will. Still, I shouldn't wait for the magical moment that inspiration moves me to write my magnum opus. Otherwise, by then I'll have forgotten how to write. Hopefully by that time the internet generation will have grown up and it won't matter. Uppercase will be outlawed and punctuation abolished - spelling optional. As they will say, "if u cant say it w/ emoticons dont say it at allll rofl".



: /

05:59 pm: Soooo... another quarter at Olympic College comes to a close. This is good and bad. It is good because:

1) It will mean no college for a week!
2) I get to start new and exciting classes!
3) I will meet new people and maybe make new friends!

It is bad because:

1) Finals are next week.
2) I will not be able to do anything to boost my grades before they go on my transcript.
3) I was sitting next to a cute guy in History 105.

more on #3 bad thing: I sit next to this guy in History who is cute, nice, and a DRUMMER. Read that again. DRUMMER. I dunno about you, but I think drummers are hot. But whatever. Unfortunately, he's also pretty quiet, so I never got to the actual "being friends" point with him. Acquaintances? yes. Friends? Meh. So, today I decided I would look up his myspace and add him, so maybe we could continue to know each other after the quarter ended. Well, he doesn't have his relationship stats posted, and all of his pictures are only of him, but one of his friends said on the comments "tell your girlfriend to get a myspace". SO HE'S TAKEN. grrr. Every time I finally commit to sticking my neck out to possibly pursue some guy, fate shoots me down. Ugh. I mean, I wasn't even totally crushing on him yet, and already I've been denied.

09:53 pm:

You Give Great Advice

You know what's up when it comes to people and social relationships. And you're advice is golden, even if your friends don't always take it! Just make sure that you take your own advice too!